Beavis & Butthead Do Quantum Computing

By Beavis & Butthead

[Butthead]: Huh huh… hey Beavis, check this out. They got these, like, “quantum computers” and stuff. Some nerds are saying they prove, like, multiple universes. Huh huh, multiple universes… that’s pretty cool. Maybe in one universe, you’re not a dumbass. Huh huh.

[Beavis]: Uhhh, shut up, Butthead! In a parallel universe, I’d have like, a million nachos, and I wouldn’t share any with you. Yeah, yeah! Quantum nachos! Eh heh heh heh!

[Butthead]: So, like, these quantum computers have these things called “qubits.” They’re kind of like bits, but, like, way cooler because they can be, like, zero and one at the same time. That’s like if you had a burrito and it was both eaten and uneaten, until you actually looked at it. Huh huh, Schrodinger’s Burrito.

[Beavis]: Heh heh, Schrodinger’s Burrito! That’d be cool. You could eat it and not eat it at the same time. I’d save so much money on lunch if all my burritos were in superposition. Heh heh heh.

[Butthead]: So some dorks say that because these qubits do a bunch of stuff at once, it means there are, like, parallel universes. But that’s just, like, one way of looking at it. Another way is: maybe it’s just math and probabilities. Huh huh. Math is boring. But get this—no one’s proven the multiple universes thing. It’s just a big nerd fest. Like, “Ooooh, my qubit is connected to infinite realities!” Shut up, dillweed.

[Beavis]: Yeah, yeah, if there really were multiple universes, then maybe I’d be scoring all the time. Heh heh, scoring! But, like, I’m stuck here, talking about quantum mechanics with you, Butthead. If there’s another universe, maybe that Beavis is, like, a cool rock star who can pronounce “quantum” without drooling.

[Butthead]: Huh huh, yeah right. You’d still be a dumbass. Anyway, the point is, quantum computers are just using weird physics to solve problems that normal computers totally suck at. That doesn’t mean they’re calling up other universes on the phone like, “Hello, Universe #347? Could you solve this math problem?” Huh huh, that’d be cool, though.

[Beavis]: Yeah, or they’d say, “Hey other universe, send over some nachos!” Heh heh. But nope, we can’t do that. We just have to stick with the fact that quantum computers do all these calculations at once, and then, when they’re measured, we get our answer. No postcards from Parallel Butt-World.

[Butthead]: So yeah, all these big headlines are just trying to make quantum stuff sound more badass than it is. The reality is we got these super freaky machines that follow some crazy math rules. Whether it means parallel universes exist is just some nerd fantasy. Huh huh, nerd fantasy.

[Beavis]: Heh heh, nerd fantasy. If there’s another universe, maybe I’m a mega-genius scientist who’s made a quantum burrito teleporter. That’d rule. But here, I’m just Beavis, and I’m hungry.

[Butthead]: Shut up, Beavis. Let’s go find some nachos. Huh huh. Quantum nachos. Heh heh.