Boris Badenov Guest Opinion: Moscow Welcomes Assad—Land Free of Moose & Squirrel
By Michael Kelman Portney (as Boris Badenov)
Boris Badenov with present for Moose & Squirrel
Ah, Comrade Assad! Welcome, welcome to Moscow, land of second chances! Or, as we like to call it, “Place free from Moose and Squirrell.” Is very exclusive club, da? Only best ex-leaders get to join! I, Boris Badenov, your trusted guide and fellow troublemaker, am here to make sure you enjoy stay in Mother Russia.
You have had big adventure in Syria, eh? Running country, avoiding rebellions, escaping angry mobs—it sounds like you need vacation! Lucky for you, Moscow is perfect place for relaxing… and staying out of sight! Here, no one bothers you. Unless, of course, they are secret police. But don’t worry! They are very polite.
Now, let me show you around! First stop, your new home. It is cozy little penthouse—just small enough to remind you you’re no longer in palace, but big enough for all your… important documents. Stay away from the windows! Heh heh. Is also close to Kremlin! But don’t get any ideas. We don’t share power here, Comrade. Just stay in apartment, drink vodka, and maybe write memoirs. Call it “How to Lose a Country in 10 Years.” Bestseller, I promise!
Oh, and don’t worry about those pesky international courts. In Russia, we don’t extradite… we only extradistract. Ha! You see what I did there? Very clever, no? Anyway, no one will ask you about bad things from your past. We are very good at forgetting inconvenient truths. Is national skill!
But Moscow is not all work and no play! We have… um… many exciting activities. For example, you can take long walks in snow, visit famous Lenin’s Tomb, or meet other former leaders who are also enjoying permanent vacations. Maybe you and Viktor Yanukovych play chess? Or talk about how hard it is to find good staff these days. Is very relatable topic for ex-leaders!
And if you miss Syria, we have authentic Middle Eastern restaurant. Okay, is kebab stand, but it’s close enough. You can sit, eat shawarma, and think, “This could be worse.” Is important to stay positive, da?
One last thing, Comrade Assad: In Moscow, we have saying—“Keep friends close, but enemies closer.” This is why you should always watch out for two things: rebels and… moose and squirrel. They are everywhere! Always causing trouble! But don’t worry—I, Boris Badenov, am here to help. Unless, of course, I am busy plotting my own schemes. Heh heh.
So, welcome to Moscow, Comrade! You are safe now. No more rebellions, no more angry citizens, just nice quiet life. Enjoy it… while it lasts! Ha ha! Dasvidaniya!
