Breakup Letter to a Friend: Why American Jews May Feel The Need to Set Boundaries With Trump Supporters
By Michael Kelman Portney
"Hey - - - - - - ,
I appreciate you reaching out. I’ve been thinking a lot about why I felt the need to unfriend you, and I want to be honest about where I’m coming from. Growing up Jewish in Texas wasn’t easy, and that’s part of why I eventually chose to leave. As someone from a marginalized community, I carry a deep awareness of the impact of certain ideologies on communities like mine and other underrepresented groups. When I see support for leaders who, in my view, foster environments that could make life unsafe for people like me—and for other communities that I care about—it hits close to home.
At the end of the day, sides were chosen, and that choice reflects a fundamental mismatch in our morals. I’m glad we’ve shared years of friendship, and I respect your right to your beliefs, but I hope you can understand why I need to maintain this boundary. Wishing you all the best. I don’t wish to paint you as a white supremacist or a Nazi or anything like that, but it has been clear to me that Donald Trump and his values represent a specific type of white identity that I don’t align with and couldn’t even if I wanted to, that I don’t agree is compatible with the founding principles of this nation, and is detrimental to the safety and lives of many.
You are entitled to your beliefs, however to people like me and others your beliefs seem to represent Christian superiority, white supremacy, and a gleeful entitlement that I believe stands in stark contrast to the American dream. When you choose to turn your back on people like me you choose to turn your back on me. And it sucks we're in a time where we can’t really separate the two but that’s where it is."
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Analysis: Why American Jews Might Feel This Way and the Justification for Drawing Boundaries
1. Historical Context and Collective Memory
American Jews have a long history of facing discrimination, exclusion, and sometimes violent persecution, both in the United States and globally. This historical experience has instilled a heightened sensitivity to authoritarianism, populist nationalism, and ideologies that promote division. Leaders who appeal to a vision of society that centers on a narrow view of American identity—often coded as white and Christian—can be particularly alarming to American Jews, who see echoes of the exclusionary systems their ancestors faced.
For Jewish Americans, this historical context is not abstract. The rise of authoritarianism in Europe during the 20th century began with seemingly small societal shifts, often starting with exclusionary language and policies. Trump’s rhetoric and the communities he has emboldened remind some Jews of the warning signs that led to past instances of persecution. This historical awareness contributes to a feeling of urgency and caution, as many American Jews are wary of any ideology that normalizes “us versus them” rhetoric.
2. Fear of Marginalization and Exclusion
As a minority in a predominantly Christian nation, many American Jews are sensitive to the ways that political leaders signal who belongs and who doesn’t. The letter’s author mentions feeling that Trump’s vision aligns with “Christian superiority” and a particular “type of white identity.” This reflects a concern that Trump’s brand of nationalism implicitly excludes non-Christian and non-white groups, positioning them as outsiders in their own country. For Jewish Americans, this exclusionary messaging feels not only alienating but potentially dangerous.
This fear is heightened in the current climate, where hate crimes and antisemitic incidents have been on the rise. Jewish Americans might interpret Trump’s support base and rhetoric as contributing to an atmosphere where expressions of hate and exclusion feel more permissible. Supporting Trump, in this context, can feel to Jewish Americans like endorsing a worldview that marginalizes their identity and threatens their safety.
3. Moral and Ethical Dissonance
The letter emphasizes a “fundamental mismatch in morals,” suggesting that the friend’s support for Trump reflects values the author cannot reconcile with their own. Many American Jews see themselves as part of a broader tradition of social justice, one that emphasizes protecting the vulnerable and advocating for equality. Trump’s rhetoric, which often targets immigrants, minorities, and marginalized groups, feels to them like a betrayal of these values.
For American Jews who prioritize justice and inclusivity, maintaining close relationships with Trump supporters can feel like condoning values that undermine those principles. This moral dissonance is not merely political; it is deeply personal. For the letter’s author, it isn’t just about disagreeing on policies—it’s about protecting the values and ethical commitments that define their identity.
4. Boundary-Setting as a Form of Self-Preservation
The decision to end a friendship over political differences might seem extreme to some, but for the letter’s author, it appears to be an act of self-preservation. When one’s identity, safety, and core values feel threatened by a friend’s political choices, maintaining that relationship can become emotionally draining and even painful. By setting boundaries, the author is choosing to prioritize their well-being and peace of mind.
For American Jews, distancing from Trump-supporting friends can be seen as a way of rejecting a political ideology that feels exclusionary or even hostile to their existence. This boundary-setting is a way to reclaim agency and assert a sense of control in an environment that feels increasingly hostile. It’s a statement that says, “I cannot align myself with those who support values that harm me or the communities I care about.”
5. Justification for Drawing Boundaries and Ending Friendships
American Jews are justified in feeling this way and drawing boundaries if they perceive that Trump’s ideology or the ideologies of his supporters conflict with their safety, values, and identity. The letter reflects a clear sense of betrayal and moral divergence, signaling that this is not simply a disagreement over policy but a deep concern for the values that underpin one’s sense of belonging and safety.
Ending a friendship in this context is a way of protecting one's sense of self and moral integrity. While it may seem divisive, it’s a way for the author to live in alignment with their principles and to feel that they are defending their community, even in their personal relationships. In times of intense polarization, individuals are often forced to make difficult choices about who they surround themselves with, especially if those individuals support ideologies that feel antithetical to their very identity.
Conclusion: The Validity of Boundaries in a Divisive Era
For American Jews, the decision to end friendships with Trump supporters is not taken lightly. It reflects a recognition that political choices carry real consequences for personal safety, moral integrity, and community solidarity. While these boundaries may seem divisive to some, they are a form of self-protection and an assertion of deeply held values. The letter captures a sentiment shared by many in the Jewish community: that the support for Trump is not just a political choice but a value judgment with real implications for the lives and well-being of marginalized groups.
In a divided America, setting boundaries is sometimes necessary to preserve one’s identity and sense of safety. American Jews, with their unique history and sensitivity to authoritarian and exclusionary ideologies, are especially attuned to these dynamics. Drawing these lines in relationships, though painful, is a valid and sometimes essential step in maintaining personal integrity in a world where political choices reflect not just opinions, but values that shape the fabric of society.
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