By Michael Kelman Portney

Let me set the record straight (Hater you participate, Three girls wit me like I’m going on Elimidate), because I know how some of your minds work. When I said, “I get off on your anger,” I wasn’t saying it makes me cum. No, no. That would be tacky. We’re not here to reduce this to that. I mean, come on—pun absolutely not intended. We’re here for intellectual engagement, not… that kind of release. But since I know someone out there is already jerking my words off into their own narrative, let’s dive into this sticky mess together, lowbrow style, just to make sure we’re all clear.

What I’m Saying (And Not Saying)

1. Your Anger Fuels Me, But It’s Not… That Kind of Fuel

When I say I get off on your outrage, I mean it energizes me. It pushes me forward, keeps me sharp, and gives me material for my next post. It’s invigorating in the way that a perfectly executed joke or a killer comeback is invigorating.

• What It’s Not: Me sitting at my keyboard, eyes rolling back, moaning over the keyboard like some deranged internet perv.

• What It Is: Me saying, “This is great content, thanks for the inspiration.”

2. Let’s Acknowledge the Joke Without Making It Gross

Sure, I could have phrased it differently. I could’ve said, “Your anger inspires me,” or “Your outrage motivates me.” But would that have landed? No. Saying, “I get off on your anger,” is direct, bold, and yes, just provocative enough to make you read this clarification.

• Why I Said It That Way: Because it’s funny, and it makes the point better than softening the language ever could.

• Why I’m Clarifying: Because I know at least one of you is imagining me cumming, and honestly? That’s on you, not me.

3. We’re Not Going to Pretend It’s Classy, But It’s Effective

Could I have avoided this? Sure. But where’s the fun in that? This is where highbrow meets lowbrow in a chaotic, tacky-but-brilliant intersection. I lean into it because it’s not just about what I say—it’s about how it makes you feel.

• What I Want You to Feel: Energized, amused, maybe a little uncomfortable.

• What I Don’t Want You to Feel: Like I’m about to write this blog while literally cumming.

4. Why This Clarification Matters

If someone genuinely walked away from my last post thinking I was sitting here getting off—literally—it would undermine the entire message. I can’t have you thinking I’m gross when I’m actually just sharp, a little cheeky, and totally in control of my narrative.

• The Real Message: Your outrage doesn’t make me cum—it makes me create. And that’s much more satisfying (and far less sticky).

Final Thought: Don’t Make It Weird

To be clear, I do get off on your anger, but in the intellectual, rhetorical, and creative sense. If you’re imagining anything grosser than that, that’s on you. I mean, seriously. Who’s the weird one here?

And let’s be honest—if I was actually cumming, I wouldn’t be writing this blog post. I’d be busy. Thanks for the clarification request. Let’s all move on. Sort of.