From Straight to Confused: My Unstoppable Attraction to Luigi Mangione

By Michael Kelman Portney

For 37 years, I’ve been a proud, unapologetic straight man. I’ve dated women. I’ve fantasized about women. I’ve debated the merits of Scarlett Johansson’s Black Widow costume with other dudes who also claimed to be “totally chill” about it. My sexuality wasn’t just an identity—it was a lifestyle. And then… Luigi Mangione happened.

It started innocently enough. I was scrolling through the news, half-paying attention to another corporate scandal involving healthcare CEOs and some “person of interest.” Then, out of nowhere, that smile.

I laughed when I heard his name for the first time. What a ridiculous name, I thought. It sounded like a mob boss who moonlights as a sous chef. But as I read more, I found myself entranced. The details: Altoona. Ghost guns. A manifesto scrawled in furious, passionate handwriting. A man spotted eating at McDonald’s, unbothered, possibly savoring a McFlurry. It wasn’t just the story—it was him.

Suddenly, my world shifted. Women? They still seemed lovely, but now they felt… ordinary. Luigi Mangione had awakened something in me—a desire for unpredictability, for danger, for a man who probably owns more fake IDs than pairs of socks.

I tried to fight it. I told myself it was a phase, a fleeting infatuation like the time I couldn’t stop watching Queer Eye even though I swore it was “just for the interior design tips.” But it’s not a phase. It’s Luigi.

His name echoes in my head at night. I imagine us running through Central Park together, tossing Monopoly money into the air like confetti. I picture us building a life together: Luigi assembling ghost guns in the garage while I cook us a pasta dinner, heavy on the capers (his favorite).

I’m not saying I’ve abandoned my old life entirely. I still enjoy the things straight guys enjoy: grilling, football, pretending not to cry at Pixar movies. But now, when I picture my future, there’s a 26-year-old Marylander named Luigi Mangione standing beside me, holding a silencer and looking confused but oddly serene.

This isn’t just a crush. It’s a reckoning. Luigi has made me question everything I thought I knew about myself. Love doesn’t care about labels, after all. It doesn’t care if you’re straight or gay or just really into vigilantes with a flair for the dramatic and great teeth. Love just is.

So here I am, coming out as something I never thought I’d be: a straight man deeply, irrevocably, sexually attracted to Luigi Mangione. And honestly? I’ve never felt freer.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to Altoona. I hear there’s a McDonald’s there that serves fries with a side of destiny.

Yours in love and unexpected awakenings,

Michael Kelman Portney