By Michael Kelman Portney

Are you tired of driving cars that lack the ruthless efficiency of a fascist regime? Do you crave the kind of precision engineering that sends shockwaves through history and the neighbors? Well, you’re in luck! Tesla is proud to announce the Tesla SS, a revolutionary new vehicle that combines cutting-edge technology with a name so bold, it’ll make your grandparents sit up in their urns.

Sleek. Streamlined. Sinister.

The Tesla SS isn’t just a car—it’s a statement. With its aggressive, militarized design and a color palette that comes exclusively in "Panzer Gray" and "Blitzkrieg Black," the Tesla SS commands attention wherever it goes. Need to part the crowds at your local farmers’ market? Engage the patented Swarm Dispersal Mode, and watch as pedestrians mysteriously clear a path, gazing in awe (and mild terror) at your ride.

Efficiency That Will Invade Your Heart

The Tesla SS boasts the most advanced autopilot system yet—code-named Operation Overdrive. With Operation Overdrive, the car not only drives itself but predicts and outmaneuvers obstacles with the unflinching precision of a mechanized infantry unit. Traffic jams? Not anymore. The Tesla SS “liberates” the road ahead, one lane at a time. Jawohl!

And the efficiency doesn’t stop there. With an estimated range of 1,488 kilometers (purely coincidental, we’re told), the Tesla SS will conquer long road trips in a single charge. That’s innovation so superior, you’ll be inclined to annex a gas station just for the thrill of it.

The Sound of Silence—and Suppression

Ever wanted your car to double as a weapon of psychological warfare? The Tesla SS’s Stealth Whistle feature emits a barely audible hum that’s just dissonant enough to make your neighbors question their sanity. Perfect for midnight commutes or silently parking outside someone’s house to remind them who runs the HOA.

And speaking of silence, the Tesla SS boasts an interior that’s hermetically sealed, drowning out outside noise, dissent, and your conscience. It’s the most serene space you’ll find outside of a soundproof bunker.

Optional Features for the Discerning Despot

• Loyalty Mode™: Need your passengers to fall in line? With a single voice command, the Tesla SS locks the doors, dims the lights, and plays Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyries at 120 decibels until everyone complies.

• Torchlight Package: Dual front-mounted LED strips provide that “ominous rally” ambiance, perfect for late-night drives or intimidating rival car owners at the charging station.

• Eichmann Efficiency Upgrade: Optimized for "high-volume logistics," this package increases trunk space, "because you never know when you’ll need to move… things."

Charging Stations? We Prefer Camps.

Gone are the days of aimlessly searching for charging ports. The Tesla SS comes with exclusive access to Tesla BlitzCharge Depots, strategically placed in “historically significant” locations. With hyper-fast charging speeds, you’ll be back on the road faster than you can say, lebensraum.

A Legacy of Excellence

The Tesla SS draws inspiration from history—though Musk has assured us it’s “just history, not that history.” He insists the name stands for “Super Speed,” though the promotional materials do seem to linger a bit too long on phrases like "unwavering discipline" and "the ultimate solution to transportation."

Tesla’s spokesperson clarified: “This vehicle is about reclaiming the past and driving it into the future. We’re literally rewriting history here—one electric revolution at a time.”

Order Now—But Wait, There’s More!

Act fast, and you can upgrade to the limited-edition Tesla SS Sonderkraftwagen, featuring:

• Gold-plated steering column insignias for that touch of regal menace.

• A bespoke license plate frame engraved with the phrase, “I was just following traffic laws.”

• Complimentary Tesla ÜberCharge tokens, redeemable exclusively in gated communities.

Don’t wait—history waits for no one. Order your Tesla SS today and join the ranks of the most advanced, misunderstood drivers of the 21st century. It’s not just a car; it’s a revolution you can drive.

Disclaimer: The Tesla SS is not affiliated with any historical regimes, except the one Elon Musk is currently building in plain sight. Drive responsibly. Or don’t. The Tesla SS doesn’t care.