By Michael Kelman Portney

The “unwritten rule” about Jews avoiding German cars? It’s ancient history, just like the pyramids we built. It’s 2025, and Teslas are out. Following Elon Musk's very enthusiastic and very autistic Heil Hitler salute(s), it is now impossible for any self-respecting Jew to drive a Tesla. Now hear this, Jews: Time to sell. Failure to comply will result in further harm to the Jewish people, which may redound to further personal liability, such as having your foreskin forcibly reattached, and your frisbee thrown in the river. I hear the Hyundai Ioniq is fun.

From Benz to Beemer: How We Got Here

Once upon a time, not so long ago, buying a Mercedes or a Volkswagen felt like rolling up to shul in a swastika-emblazoned party bus. “My grandfather fought those guys!” someone’s bubbie would cry, clutching her pearls and shaking her head. But things change. History softens, reparations happen, and suddenly, we’re arguing over whether the new BMW 7 Series is tacky or classy.

German engineering became something to admire rather than side-eye, and now you can spot a rabbi in a Benz or a kid named Ethan Baruch Stein rolling up to Yeshiva in his parents’ Audi. It's all kosher.

Then Came Musk

But Teslas? OY VEY. How do we even begin? Let’s start with the obvious: Elon Musk just gave a Nazi salute at a Trump rally. If you’re still driving a Tesla after that, you might as well slap a “Honk If You Hate Yiddish” bumper sticker on the back.

It’s not just the salute, either. Musk has been playing footsie with dog whistles for years. “Free speech absolutism” on X quickly morphed into “let’s give Nazis their blue checks back!” His fanbase now includes guys who think ‘Zyklon B’ memes are edgy, and if you’ve ever waded into a Tesla forum, it’s clear—these people didn’t come from Birthright.

But Michael, Teslas Are Good for the Environment!

Listen, Rebecca. You know what’s also good for the environment? Walking. Biking. Taking the bus. Do you want to save the planet, or do you want to save your dignity? Because it’s hard to make a case for Teslas while Musk is out here LARPing as Goebbels with a tech startup.

And let’s not forget: Elon has a direct pipeline into your car’s software. Do you really want to wake up one morning to find your Tesla locked and blasting Wagner as it drives you straight to Mar-a-Lago?

So, What Do We Drive Instead?

Great question. Thankfully, German cars are now fair game. Go ahead and buy that Mercedes E-Class—you deserve to feel like a dignified mensch. BMW’s 5 Series? Put the pedal to the metal. Volkswagen? Sure, just don’t talk about the whole “Hitler’s favorite car” thing—it’s a buzzkill at kiddush.

If you’re really feeling spicy, maybe try Volvo or Lexus. Swedes and Japanese have been too polite to offend anyone.

A Final Word

Let me be clear: Jews have survived for millennia because we know when to adapt. And while we’ve forgiven German cars (mostly), there’s no forgiving a Tesla with a built-in Heil Hitler mode. So, to my fellow tribespeople, I say this: Drive what you want, but if it’s got Musk’s fingerprints on it, leave it on the lot.

Now, let’s all grab some kugel and laugh about how far we’ve come. Except you, Elon. You can eat bupkis.