By Michael Kelman Portney (As Tony Montana)

Okay, let me tell joo sometin’, amigo. Joo come to a place like misinformationsucks.com, and maybe joo expect some nice little bedtime stories, eh? Some kinda’ sweet talkin’ about how the world is one big candy store full of piñatas and pastel cupcakes for joo. But listen to me, mang: dis ain’t no Disney ride. It’s the street corner where the truth walks around without a shirt on, spittin’ in your face and sayin’, “Ey, wake up, chico!”

I’m Tony Montana, and I say joo need people like me. Joo need people like me so you can point jor fockin’ fingas and say: That’s the bad guy! Joo need da kind of guy who’s not afraid to show joo da ugly side of tings. Americans, they like their truths with a shiny bow on top, like Christmas gifts, no? They don’t wanna deal with da rough edges, da bad smells, da rotten fruit. But dat’s why misinformationsucks.com is here, mang—to shove da truth right in your face even if it makes joo choke on your café con leche.

Joo might say, “Tone, who da hell do joo t’ink joo are, eh?” Well, I’m da guy who’s gonna tell joo da truth whether joo like it or not. All around joo, amigo, da TV, da newspapers, da websites—they’re feedin’ joo stale tortillas stuffed with lies. Joo know it, I know it. But nobody wants to say it out loud, right? Everybody’s too busy handin’ out da sweet talk, hopin’ nobody notices da rancid smell underneath.

But here, at misinformationsucks.com, we don’t serve no cotton candy lies. We serve da truth raw and bloody, no garnish. We say, “Ey, chico, take a good look at what joo’re swallowin’.” If joo can’t stomach it, dat’s not our problem. We’re not here to tuck joo in at night. We’re here to smash da alarm clock and wake joo up.

See, joo need people like me because I’m not afraid of da truth. I’m not gonna hold joor hand and whisper nice tings in joor ear. I’m gonna tell joo da tings nobody else wants to say, da tings dat make politicians sweat and big media bosses cry in da bathroom. Da kind of talk dat makes everyone say, “Oooh, Tone, joo can’t say dat!” But I just did, mang.

So, next time joo’re driftin’ around da internet, lookin’ for some piece of reality dat hasn’t been dressed up like a cheap Christmas tree, come on over. Let Tony Montana show joo da difference between da lies people love and da truth dey fear. Joo might not like what joo hear, but hey, dis ain’t about bein’ nice. Dis is about bein’ real, chico.

Now go on, take a bite. Don’t choke on it. Remember, joo need people like me—people who tell joo da truth, even when it tastes bitter. An’ if it hurts? Good. Means joo’re still alive. So say goodnight to the badguy.