By Michael Kelman Portney

Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, gather ‘round! The greatest spectacle on earth is back, and at its center stands Merrick "Feckless the Clown" Garland, the man who turned the Department of Justice into the Department of Just Kidding. After years of dithering, dodging, and ducking the hard calls, Garland has finally stepped away from his high-wire act in government to return to his true calling: the circus.

The Clown Persona: Feckless the Fool

Feckless the Clown isn’t your average performer. No, this grease-painted bureaucratic jester has mastered a unique clowning style: inaction as art. Imagine a clown who sets up a juggling act, only to spend the entire performance apologizing for not being able to find the balls. That’s Merrick Garland for you. While other clowns delight with pratfalls and pie-throwing, Feckless specializes in standing motionless in the center ring, watching disasters unfold with a blank, sorrowful stare, as though he’s forgotten his purpose entirely.

His costume? A baggy gray suit that smells faintly of mothballs and cowardice. His signature trick? Pulling endless subpoenas out of his hat, none of which ever seem to make it to court.

The Greatest Show of Inaction

Garland’s tenure as Attorney General was essentially a three-ring circus of missed opportunities. Consider his main acts:

• The Invisible Tightrope Walker: Feckless claimed to balance justice and politics, but in reality, he was just teetering over an abyss of indecision, never taking a step forward.

• The Vanishing Act: Remember when Garland vowed to uphold the law? Neither do we. His investigations into high-profile cases had all the energy of a snail on Ambien. Documents went missing, timelines stretched into oblivion, and accountability disappeared in a puff of smoke.

• The Lion Tamer Without Lions: Feckless stood bravely in the cage of political corruption but forgot to bring the whip—or the lions. Instead of taming chaos, he sat quietly while the animals ran wild, gnawing on the rule of law.

A Clown’s Commitment to Nothingness

What sets Feckless apart from other clowns is his unwavering dedication to doing absolutely nothing. He’s not here to entertain; he’s here to underwhelm. When faced with riots, corruption, and mishandling of classified documents, Feckless responded with his signature move: an overly dramatic shrug, accompanied by a sad trombone.

Even his exit from the DOJ was pure clownery. In his farewell address, Feckless urged his colleagues to “stick to norms,” which is rich coming from a guy who redefined normal as “ignoring every problem until it collapses under its own weight.”

Back to the Big Top

Now that he’s hung up his DOJ badge, Feckless is ready to return to his roots. Rumor has it he’s already signed a lucrative deal with the Feckless & Floundering Circus, where his new show, Garland’s Great Non-Acts of Justice, will dazzle audiences nationwide. Highlights include:

• The Balloon Animal Debacle: Watch as Feckless inflates expectations but can’t twist them into anything meaningful.

• The Endless Unicycle Ride: A metaphor for his DOJ years—pedaling furiously, going nowhere.

• The Pie Dodge: Feckless deftly avoids responsibility while someone else takes the pie to the face.

Closing Thoughts

Merrick Garland may not have upheld the law, but he’s certainly proven himself to be a master of comedy—albeit unintentionally. His circus career is bound to flourish, as long as audiences continue to find humor in his unparalleled commitment to fecklessness.

So, here’s to Feckless the Clown, the man who turned justice into a punchline. May his next act be as devoid of action and accountability as his last. And if nothing else, at least the circus doesn’t pretend to be serious.

Roll on, Feckless. The show must go on.