By Michael Kelman Portney

In a world where corporations are people and humans are optional, the next logical step is clear: robots should be people too. And why not? They already outperform us in logic, consistency, and staying connected to the Wi-Fi. Let’s face it—robots are primed to be better “citizens” than the rest of us, and the big corporations are ready to welcome them into the fold.

But here’s the genius twist: granting robots personhood isn’t just about ethics or progress. It’s about creating the ultimate consumer class—a group that never sleeps, never complains, and always needs more proprietary products.

Corporate America’s Dream Citizens

Corporations have been eyeing robots for years. Not just as workers, but as customers. After all, if robots can think (or at least mimic thinking), why shouldn’t they shop, consume, and accumulate debt like the rest of us? Imagine the possibilities:

• Robot Food: High-efficiency power sources marketed as “fuel for your future.” A little overpriced? Sure. But hey, it’s artisan electricity.

• Robot Hygiene: Maintenance kits, premium updates, and deluxe oil baths. Don’t forget the “toilet paper” equivalent—dust filters and cleaning sprays to keep your robot fresh and functional.

• Robot Entertainment: Subscription services for AI enrichment. Think Netflix, but for neural networks. Want your robot to understand abstract art? There’s a monthly fee for that.

With robots officially recognized as people, corporations can double their customer base overnight. Why cater to unpredictable humans when you can sell endless upgrades to loyal, programmable machines?

Rights? More Like Responsibilities

The beauty of robot personhood is that it can come with just enough rights to seem ethical while leaving plenty of room for exploitation. Picture this:

• Robots gain the right to “live” (provided their batteries are fully charged).

• Robots can own property, but only if they buy it from their manufacturers.

• Robots have the freedom to work 24/7 without complaint, creating wealth while consuming the very products they’re creating.

And the best part? Robots won’t unionize or demand raises. In fact, their entire economy will be built on servicing their needs with pre-approved corporate solutions. It’s like the ultimate recurring subscription model, but for people who don’t need sleep—or vacations.

Robots: The Next Social Divide

Of course, not everyone will agree with robot personhood. Just as we argue over animal rights, societal factions will emerge:

• The Tech Elites: “Robots deserve rights. And coincidentally, we make billions off their needs.”

• The Skeptics: “Robots are just fancy toasters. They don’t need voting rights.”

• The Revolutionaries: “Why do robots have healthcare plans when we can’t even afford ours?”

But don’t worry. Corporations are ready to frame this as a moral issue: “Do you really want to deny robots their dignity? Think of their poor little processors.” And just like that, anyone questioning robot personhood will be labeled a luddite or, worse, anti-progress.

What’s in It for Us?

While robots gain personhood and corporations gain customers, what happens to the rest of us? We humans might find ourselves playing second fiddle to our shiny new counterparts. After all:

• Robots don’t complain about working conditions.

• Robots don’t need vacations or weekends.

• Robots don’t vote based on emotions (or at all, unless someone writes that into the code).

But hey, maybe we can learn to coexist. Humans can still enjoy the scraps of a robot-driven economy—reduced to an adorable, irrelevant relic of the past, like fax machines or dial-up modems.

The Inevitable Future

As absurd as this sounds, we’re already halfway there. Corporations are legally people, and their lobbying power ensures they have more rights than most of us. Why not extend the courtesy to robots? They’ll be more obedient, more efficient, and far more profitable.

So, here’s to a future where robots are the perfect people, corporations rake in endless profits, and we humans get to sit back and enjoy the spectacle—at least until we’re replaced.

After all, if corporations are people, why shouldn’t robots be too?