By Michael Kelman Portney

Oh, Joe Manchin. What would we do without your inspired and steadfast commitment to, well, Joe Manchin? Your latest proposal—that President Joe Biden should pardon Donald Trump—is just the cherry on top of a storied career marked by teamwork, consistency, and an unyielding commitment to the greater good. Truly, sir, you have outdone yourself.

Let us first take a moment to bask in the wisdom of your suggestion. Imagine a world where a former president—twice impeached, indicted on dozens of charges, and a veritable wrecking ball to democratic norms—receives a pardon. What a marvelous way to heal the nation! After all, nothing soothes division like telling millions of Americans that accountability is optional for the rich and powerful. Why bother with messy things like trials or verdicts when we could simply sweep it all under the rug and move on? Bravo, Senator Manchin, for your ability to think outside the box, into the void, and out of touch with reality.

But this is no surprise coming from a man whose time in the Senate has been nothing short of a masterclass in bipartisan obstruction. When Democrats needed a team player to advance landmark legislation on climate, healthcare, and economic reform, there you were—playing both sides against the middle like a virtuoso of legislative gridlock. Who could forget your valiant efforts to water down Build Back Better until it was barely a shadow of its former self? Truly, your ability to extract concessions for your beloved coal industry while appearing deeply concerned about inflation was an act of political artistry.

And, perhaps most importantly, your tireless work illuminated something critical for the American public: just how feckless President Joe Biden really was. Without you, Senator Manchin, how would we have truly seen the depth of Biden's ineffectual leadership? Your careful sabotage of Democratic priorities revealed a president who, for all his talk of unity and progress, seemed perpetually incapable of controlling his own party. Every time you threw a wrench into Biden’s plans, it became clear to millions that this administration's lofty promises were built on a foundation of sand—and your strategic interference was the gust of wind that proved it. Thank you for that, Joe.

Let’s also not overlook your heroic stand against filibuster reform. While others worried about protecting voting rights and ensuring a functioning democracy, you were steadfast in your belief that a 19th-century Senate rule was more important than 21st-century progress. Your devotion to preserving the status quo was nothing short of inspiring. Forget soaring rhetoric or bold action—your legacy is one of careful inaction and half-measures.

Of course, your service to America wouldn’t be complete without your noble flirtation with a third-party presidential run. Why work quietly behind the scenes to strengthen your party when you could instead dangle the possibility of splitting the vote and throwing the 2024 election into chaos? That’s the kind of forward-thinking leadership America has come to expect from you.

As your time in the Senate winds down, we, the American people, will surely miss your principled centrism—a centrism so perfectly balanced that it often left you standing alone. Your career has been a testament to the power of one man’s ability to make everything just a little bit harder for everyone else.

So thank you, Senator Manchin, for your visionary ideas and your unwavering dedication to your own brand. Your suggestion to pardon Donald Trump is the perfect culmination of a career built on bold mediocrity and self-serving pragmatism. America salutes you—preferably from a safe distance.

Enjoy retirement. Or your third-party candidacy. Or whatever’s next. Just don’t stop being you.