The Jackass Crew in Trump’s Cabinet

By Michael Kelman Portney

In an era where political norms are constantly being redefined, the qualifications for high office have become a topic of debate. If unconventionality is the new norm, why not fully embrace it? Enter the Jackass crew: masters of chaos, absurdity, and, surprisingly, teamwork. If Trump’s cabinet were handed over to Johnny Knoxville and company, America might not become more functional—but it’d certainly become more interesting.

Secretary of State: Johnny Knoxville

Johnny Knoxville has spent decades as the de facto leader of the Jackass crew, balancing egos, mediating chaos, and keeping the team functional despite their self-destructive tendencies. As Secretary of State, he’d bring his knack for diplomacy—after all, it takes serious negotiation skills to convince your friends to get hit by riot control devices or stick a toy car up their butt. International diplomacy might be less dangerous than Jackass stunts, but Knoxville would approach it with the same mix of charm, humor, and reckless determination. His ability to navigate complex interpersonal dynamics would be invaluable in international relations, where charm and humor often open doors that traditional diplomacy cannot.

Secretary of Defense: Steve-O

Steve-O is renowned for his fearlessness. As Secretary of Defense, he’d channel that bravery into protecting the country—or at least making enemies think twice. Whether it’s stapling himself to a wall or enduring literal explosions, Steve-O has shown he’s willing to take hits for the team. His unconventional approach might scare the Pentagon, but it could also give America the most unpredictable defense strategy in history. His presence alone could serve as a deterrent, as adversaries might hesitate to engage with someone who thrives on chaos and unpredictability.

Secretary of Treasury: Chris Pontius

Chris Pontius, aka “Party Boy,” might seem like an odd choice for the Treasury, but hear me out: no one understands stretching a budget like the guy who’s traveled the world in a thong, making minimal resources go a long way. Plus, his carefree persona could bring a much-needed sense of levity to financial policy. Imagine Pontius explaining the national debt in a Party Boy outfit—it might not fix the economy, but it’d definitely go viral. His approach could redefine fiscal policy, focusing on creative solutions and public engagement.

Attorney General: Bam Margera

Known for his creative destruction and disdain for authority, Bam Margera would bring an entirely new energy to the Department of Justice. His chaotic nature might seem like a liability, but his ability to hold a grudge would make him relentless in pursuing legal battles. Plus, who better to shake up a system that’s overdue for reform than someone who once turned his own parents’ house into a prank warzone? Margera’s approach could lead to a more dynamic and responsive justice system, one that is unafraid to challenge the status quo.

Secretary of Homeland Security: Preston Lacy

Preston Lacy has spent his career enduring some of the most bizarre challenges imaginable, often involving him fleeing dangerous situations in nothing but his underwear. That experience could translate surprisingly well to Homeland Security. Lacy’s ability to handle high-stress scenarios and think on his feet might just be what America needs to navigate an ever-changing security landscape. His unconventional methods could lead to innovative security strategies that prioritize adaptability and quick thinking.

Secretary of Health and Human Services: Dave England

Dave England, the crew’s resident expert in enduring physical pain and gastrointestinal chaos, would bring firsthand knowledge of healthcare’s importance. Who better to advocate for public health than someone who’s been through more self-inflicted injuries than most ER doctors see in a month? England’s policies might include more slapstick humor than science, but they’d come with a deep understanding of what it means to survive. His personal experiences could lead to a more empathetic and patient-centered healthcare system.

Secretary of Education: Wee Man

Wee Man’s positivity and resilience make him a natural fit for the Department of Education. Despite being underestimated his whole life, he’s shown the world that size doesn’t matter when it comes to making an impact. As Secretary of Education, Wee Man would prioritize inclusivity and teach kids that no obstacle is too big to overcome—especially if you’re willing to skateboard under it. His approach could inspire a new generation of students to embrace diversity and resilience.

Secretary of Labor: Ehren McGhehey

Ehren, known as “Danger Ehren,” has endured some of the most painful stunts in Jackass history. His perseverance and willingness to put in the work make him an excellent choice for the Department of Labor. He understands the value of grit and determination and would advocate for workers’ rights with the same tenacity he’s shown while losing teeth and dodging flying debris. His leadership could lead to stronger labor protections and a renewed focus on worker safety.

Secretary of Energy: Ryan Dunn

Ryan Dunn may no longer be with us, but his legacy of fearless experimentation and pushing boundaries makes him an honorary pick for the Department of Energy. Dunn’s approach to life was all about testing limits, which is exactly what America’s energy policy needs—bold innovation and a willingness to try the seemingly impossible. His spirit could inspire a new era of energy innovation focused on sustainability and exploration.

Conclusion

Would it work? Maybe not. Would it be entertaining? Absolutely. The Jackass cabinet might not fix all of America’s problems, but it would certainly give the country something to talk about. If nothing else, this lineup reminds us that leadership takes many forms—and sometimes, it’s the willingness to take risks, endure failures, and laugh through the chaos that makes the biggest difference. In the end, maybe it’s time for politics to embrace a little more absurdity. After all, if the world’s already a circus, who better to run the show than the masters of mayhem?