By Michael Kelman Portney

Elon Musk is living proof that money can’t buy class, tact, or a single clue about how normal people operate. If Steve Martin’s The Jerk taught us that ignorance could be endearing, Elon has turned it into a masterclass on how to alienate people without losing a single Twitter poll.

So, in honor of the original Jerk, let’s take a satirical stroll through the Muskiverse, where being out of touch isn’t just a personality trait—it’s a billion-dollar brand.

Act One: “I Was Born a Poor Black Child”

In The Jerk, Steve Martin’s character hilariously doesn’t realize he’s adopted into a Black family until he’s well into adulthood. Elon, meanwhile, was born a poor South African child…from a wealthy emerald mining family. Same vibe, right?

While Navin Johnson spent his days learning to clap off-beat, Elon spent his learning how to export natural resources and privilege while tweeting memes that make your dad’s Facebook posts look cutting-edge.

Elon’s version of The Jerk’s opening line might be:

“I was born a poor child…in the shadow of my family’s multimillion-dollar mining empire. It was tough, guys, but I made it.”

Act Two: The Rise of the Innovator (and the Meme Lord)

In The Jerk, Navin stumbles his way into inventing the Opti-Grab, a useless device that makes him wildly rich until it blinds half the population. Elon followed a similar arc with products like the Cybertruck (a “revolutionary” vehicle that looks like it escaped a 1998 video game) and the Tesla self-driving feature, which is basically Mario Kart on Rainbow Road—except with real consequences.

Navin’s Invention: The Opti-Grab—a total disaster.

Elon’s Invention: Twitter Spaces—because what the world needed was another platform for billionaires to monologue awkwardly.

Act Three: A Billionaire’s Quest for Relevance

Navin’s character becomes insufferable after making his fortune, losing touch with his roots and alienating everyone around him. Sound familiar? Elon’s attempts at relatability include tweeting “Let that sink in” while carrying an actual sink into Twitter HQ, banning journalists for reporting on his antics, and unbanning accounts so toxic they make asbestos look good by comparison.

Much like Navin in The Jerk, Elon is constantly searching for purpose, even if that purpose is building rocket ships that can’t land properly and insisting we all move to Mars despite the fact that Earth still has bagels.

The Climax: Losing Everything (Except Billions of Dollars)

In The Jerk, Navin hits rock bottom, wandering the streets in his bathrobe, clutching onto random objects as he declares, “I don’t need anything…except this lamp!”

Elon’s version?

“I don’t need anything…except this Twitter account, and this rocket, and these Dogecoins, and this tunnel under Las Vegas, and this flamethrower.”

Of course, while Navin ends up broke, Elon’s “rock bottom” would still leave him with enough money to buy an entire continent. But hey, at least he’s relatable, right?

The Moral of the Story: Being a Jerk Is a Choice

At the heart of The Jerk is a lovable fool who learns a valuable lesson about humility. At the heart of Elon Musk is…well, just a fool. Unlike Navin, Elon seems allergic to self-awareness, doubling down on every bad decision as if he’s in a speedrun to see how fast he can alienate humanity.

But maybe that’s the real lesson here: You don’t need to be humble if you’re rich enough to buy your way out of humility.

The Closing Scene

In the final moments of The Jerk, Navin finds redemption. Will Elon? Doubtful. But until then, we’ll be here, watching the rocket explosions, the bizarre tweets, and the tech that sometimes works, wondering what’s next in the saga of The Jerk: Billionaire Edition.

And to Elon, if you’re reading this: “Stay away from the cans!”

(And maybe also Twitter. Just a thought.)