Trump Taps Assad for Health and Human Services Secretary
By Michael Kelman Portney
In a move that has left the political world reeling and late-night comedians thanking their lucky stars, former President Donald Trump has reportedly announced his intention to nominate Bashar al-Assad as Secretary of Health and Human Services for his impending second term. That’s right—the man who reportedly weaponized chlorine gas now wants to “fix” your healthcare. Because when you think of compassionate public health policy, obviously your first thought is Assad.
Trump, ever the showman, broke the news during a rally, standing in front of a crowd of flag-waving supporters. “Bashar, folks, let me tell you, he’s tough. He’s a fighter. Some people say he’s a little controversial—fake news—but he gets results. He’s the best at handling crises. Just look at Syria!”
One can only imagine Assad's qualifications were a direct result of Mini-Me-Trump's famously thorough vetting process. When reached for comment, Mini-Me-Trump bit our reporter, but let's be clear there's nothing we can do about it and he's going to get away with it.
The rationale behind this inspired choice? Trump explained, “Nobody knows disease better than Bashar. Nobody! He’s dealt with more casualties than anyone else. Believe me, folks, he’s been running a ‘health operation’ for years. A tremendous guy.”
The Cabinet of Unqualified Horrors
If confirmed (and let’s face it, the Senate GOP is capable of rubber-stamping anything at this point), Assad would join a Trump administration lineup that looks increasingly like a rogues’ gallery of Bond villains. Secretary of State Kim Jong-un? Check. Attorney General Rudy Giuliani (again)? Double check. And now, Bashar al-Assad overseeing Medicare and Medicaid? Why not—it’s not like these systems are still functional anyway.
Assad’s “Health Initiatives”
When asked for comment, Assad reportedly promised to bring “innovative healthcare solutions” to the United States, modeled on his work in Syria. His vision includes:
Chemical Wellness Programs: Assad proposed “alternative treatments” using unapproved methods. “Chlorine cleans pools, why not lungs?” he quipped, before adding that he’ll seek FDA approval, or not.
The Free Hospital Bombing Plan: A controversial approach to reducing healthcare costs. By eliminating hospitals entirely, Assad’s methods promise to save Americans billions. “No hospital, no bill,” he explained. “It’s genius.”
Mandatory Masks (Made of Concrete): As part of his public health strategy, Assad would enforce mask mandates but would generously expand the definition of “mask” to include reinforced bunkers.
Trump’s America: Where Satire Writes Itself
The absurdity of this announcement feels almost too on-the-nose to satirize. We’ve entered a political era where the line between reality and parody is so blurred, it’s practically doing the splits. Trump could nominate a literal cartoon character for Secretary of Defense, and you’d have pundits on Fox News arguing why Yosemite Sam is “uniquely qualified.”
Of course, Trump defended his choice with his trademark lack of self-awareness. “The fake news media will try to tear him down,” Trump warned. “But that’s what they do. They didn’t like my doctor when I said bleach cures COVID, and now look where we are—I was right! Assad will do for American healthcare what he did for Aleppo. Beautiful Aleppo, folks. You’ll love it.”
The Reactions
The announcement was met with widespread horror. Democrats scrambled to issue statements condemning the decision, while Republicans immediately pivoted to damage control. “While Assad’s nomination raises some eyebrows,” said Senator Josh Hawley, “we believe his outside-the-box thinking could lead to bold solutions. And also, I’m scared of getting mean tweets from Trump.”
Meanwhile, healthcare professionals are reportedly resigning en masse, citing a desire to “get out while we still can.” One anonymous surgeon summed it up: “I thought Ben Carson was bad, but this? This is like hiring Hannibal Lecter to run Meals on Wheels.”
What’s Next?
If this nomination goes forward, we can expect Assad to face a tough confirmation hearing, though he’s already prepared his responses. When asked how he plans to address public health disparities, he will reportedly reply, “If there are no people, there are no disparities.”
And that’s the 2024 Trump Doctrine in a nutshell, folks. Less “Make America Great Again” and more “Make Satire Obsolete.”
So, as we brace for the possibility of President Trump’s second term, let’s take solace in knowing that the absurd theater of his cabinet appointments will at least keep the rest of us entertained—right up until the moment we’re forced to seek healthcare in a bunker.
