By Michael Kelman Portney

Let’s start with the obvious: It’s 2025. We have self-driving cars that can order pizza for us, AI that can write your college term papers in a single breath, and refrigerators that send you fucking text messages when you’re out of milk. So you’d think, by now, we’d have perfected the art of providing sweet, sweet Wi-Fi at 36,000 feet. But apparently, that’s asking too damn much.

The Allure of Wi-Fi in the Sky

Let’s not pretend the concept isn’t awesome. Wi-Fi on a plane? It’s science fiction come to life. We used to huddle over those tiny airplane TVs, praying they’d show anything other than a Rom-Com from 1992. Now we can theoretically stream Netflix, Skype our cats (don’t judge me), and have real-time arguments on Twitter about whether pineapple belongs on pizza—all while hurtling through the air in a metal tube.

But let’s get one thing straight: Just because something exists doesn’t mean it can’t fucking suck. Speed and reliability are all over the map. Some flights give you near-cable-level performance, while others remind you of those DSL days where connecting to AOL took an act of divine intervention.

Why the Hell Isn’t It Faster?

Airborne Wi-Fi is a lot more complicated than your average Starbucks setup. Planes are basically metal tubes, which, in technical terms, are not the friendliest environment for wireless signals. Then there’s the matter of hooking up to satellites or ground towers while traveling at hundreds of miles an hour. It’s like trying to hold a Zoom call on a bullet train that’s also juggling flaming torches.

But Come On, It’s 2025

The thing is, we’ve had years—decades even—to work out these kinks. Tech continues to improve, from satellite connectivity to next-gen in-flight internet services. Companies are promising better speeds, bigger bandwidth, and more reliability. So what’s the holdup?

1. Airlines Being Cheap as Hell
   They’d rather charge you 25 bucks for half a can of Pringles than invest in top-tier connectivity. Profit margins are razor-thin in aviation, so some airlines prioritize fuel costs and extra fees over giving you blazing internet speeds.

2. Patchy Infrastructure
   Different routes have different coverage because the infrastructure in the sky is like a drunken game of Connect Four. It’s still not consistent enough across the entire planet, and any coverage holes directly translate to your stream buffering like it’s the year 1999.

3. Overcrowded Networks
   You’re not the only one trying to watch cat videos or rant about politics mid-flight. The second half the plane decides to binge Netflix, your precious bandwidth nosedives.

Why We Need Faster Service—Like, Yesterday

• Productivity: You might actually want to get work done. If your livelihood depends on real-time collaboration or large file downloads, sorry, you’re shit out of luck on some flights.

• Entertainment: Let’s face it, many airline “in-flight entertainment” options are just repackaged versions of everything you can watch at home. But if you could stream your personal library, you’d never be stuck rewatching the same B-list thriller.

• Sanity: A long-haul flight without decent internet can feel like a sensory deprivation experiment. You’re stuck with recycled cabin air, a seat that barely reclines, and a toddler wailing two rows behind you. At least let us escape online for a while.

The Future Is Bright…ish

There’s hope: some airlines are teaming up with advanced satellite providers promising near-broadband speeds. We’ve got improved satellite coverage across oceans and remote areas, and the new wave of competition might force more airlines to upgrade. If enough people bitch about it (and trust me, we should bitch about it), the industry might finally decide it’s worth investing in better, faster, more reliable in-flight Wi-Fi.

A Note to the Airlines

Hey, airline execs—wake the fuck up. It's 2025. We can do this. Charge us a reasonable fee (or give it for free, you greedy bastards) and deliver the goods. Passengers will love you for it, I promise. Put the same effort into Wi-Fi that you do into marketing those new first-class seats nobody can afford.

Final Thoughts

In-flight Wi-Fi is still part-miracle, part-ridiculous frustration. We should celebrate the fact that we can Snapchat from the sky, sure. But let’s also demand better. We’re in the era of quantum computing and AI that can write Shakespearean sonnets about your dog—surely we can jump from “dial-up in the air” to something that doesn’t feel like watching paint dry.

So yes, cheers to the marvel that is Wi-Fi in the sky. But seriously—kick it up a notch, will ya? We’re living in the future now, and our internet speeds should damn well reflect that.

—
Posted by Michael Kelman Portney