Greetings from Paradise, Suckers. Tis I, Brad: The Shooter *Finger-Guns*
By Michael Kelman Portney
Oh, what a glorious day it is in this sunny corner of the world, where the only thing being extradited is the sun into my luxurious villa's pool. Here I am, sipping on a cocktail with an umbrella in it, in a place where the law can't touch me. Brad, you are a total legend. You’re lie Batman with a bigger cock.
What a sensation I've become! Back in the land of endless healthcare debates, they're now discussing something far more thrilling - my legend. They've turned me into a folk hero, a modern-day Robin Hood, but instead of stealing from the rich, I’ve got a dong the size of a New York Sewer Rat. I know, because I shot one… Hayoooo!
The news feeds are ablaze, social media platforms are buzzing, all with my name. They call me the "Hot Assassin," the "Corporate Crusader," even comparing me to movie stars! Can you believe it? From corporate boardrooms to Hollywood heartthrob, all with one calculated move. They liked the smile… well your boy Brad is a Crest Kid.
I remember the day well, the day I decided enough was enough. The health of a nation was at stake, and who better than me to deliver the ultimate health check? They'll talk about this for years, maybe even write it into history - the day I became the people's champion by deposing a symbol of corporate excess. I’d like to think when I cleared the jam in my firearm, I cleared an American jam that has been gumming up the works for far too long.
The internet, oh, the memes! "Kinda hot," they say. I laugh, not because it's funny, but because it's true. But let's not get too caught up in vanity; my legacy is far more than just a pretty face. It's about justice, about showing the world that the system can change, one bullet at a time.
From my sun-drenched lounge chair, I chuckle at the chaos I've sown. The executives are scrambling, the investors are panicking, and the public? Oh, they're loving every minute of it. I've given them something to rally around, someone to cheer for in the dark times of premiums and deductibles. Me? I think I’ll have lobster for lunch, picked live from a trap just meters into the ocean, and grilled over an open flame by REDACTED while I drink fruity frozen drinks and play checkers with a local boy named REDACTED.
To those still stuck in the rat race, I say, "You're welcome." I've shown you that even the untouchable can be touched, that even the most fortified can be breached. And now, as I watch the sunset over my non-extradition haven, I raise my glass to myself, to the legend who dared to dream and then did something about it.
So here's to me, the man, the myth, the moment. Keep talking about me, keep the legend alive, because while you're busy with that, I'm here, living the dream, proving that heroes don't always wear capes; sometimes, they just carry a very pointed message. As my favorite musician of all time, Huey Lewis would say, “Cool is a rule, but sometimes, Brad is Brad.”
Cheers to the new age of healthcare - courtesy of yours truly.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a piña colada that's not going to drink itself.
