Guest Editorial: I Borat Sagdiev Thank Brain Genius McDonald Trump For Make Borat New President of Shadows
By Michael Kelman Portney
Jagshemash! Very nice! I Borat. I like you. I like sex. I have glorious news to make happy to your earholes. I am thank President Donald “Great American Cheese” Trump for give me special permission to take over the White House while he make sexy times with golf balls. High-five! Yes, he say, “Borat, you take Presidency while I play 9!” I say, “Wawaweewa!” This big honor make me feel very excite like when I find fresh goat milk in village after long day of chasing sister’s chickens.
Now I stand in Oval Office with big red hat on head, sign many very important paper things with Crayola pen. I do the hocus-pocus with the laws and fix your America very much. President Trump trust me. Why? Because I have the brain like Einstein, but not a Jew. Now I, Borat, am have executive power and can command secret agents to bring me finest hair grooming products for mustache and also maybe find new wife in Nebraska. Nebrasky wife: you listening? I now very important man!
While Donald Trump chase his ball on court—he try to hole-in-one just like Stormy Danielson—Borat is busy make America more glorious. I order that we have new holiday: “National Very Nice Day.” Everyone celebrate by shout “High-five!” and hugging stranger. I also order we replace statue of Lincoln with giant statue of Pam-ela Andersons to remember simpler time when Baywatches help keep morale high, and empty crumb.
Many peoples say Borat not qualified to run country. To them I say: You are as silly as my neighbor Nursultan Tuyakbay! He is asshole. I have top-level experience negotiating price of yak in my hometown. If I can handle angry yak salesman, I can handle Nancy Pelosi, who I think is maybe a powerful forest witch. I tell Fox News they must show more pictures of glorious US and less screaming. Everybody calm down and enjoy new Borat Law: “Do Not Yell on Television Without Wearing Funny Hat.” It is good for morale.
With Borat in charge, I say no more TikTok dancing confusion. All must learn traditional Kazakh step dance to increase happiness. Also, I fix economy by trading nuclear submarines for best camels. Camel is stable, reliable, and good for carry big bomb. Very nice for foreign policy.
Soon Trump return from golf. He will say, “Borat, you do incredible job!” I say, “Yes, Mr. McDonald, I keep seat warm for your big behind.” He say, “Thank you, Borat!” I give him thumbs-up and suggest we rename Air Force One to “Air Force Sexytime.” We laugh, we hug, we share cheeseburger. This is new America with Borat flair.
Chenquieh, President Trump! I hope you enjoy your golfing like a champion. While you do this, I Borat make sure America remain greatest country in world. And now, I, Borat Sagdiev, will sing American National Anthem to tune of Wet Ass Pussy. Jinqui.
