Luigi Didn’t Do It: My Brother’s Been Framed
By Michael Kelman Portney (As Mario)
Mamma mia, what’s-a going on here?! It’s-a me, Mario, and I’m-ah here to set the record straight about my big bro, Luigi. You see, people-a been whispering that Luigi, my green-clad sibling, is somehow involved in this so-called shooting. Che peccato! Such nonsense! There’s no way my brother Luigi — the real Luigi, the one who’s always in my shadow, stomping Koopas and racing karts — would go running off to Altoona with a ghost gun. A ghost gun? Luigi’s only ghosts are those he vacuums up in his spooky mansions!
Let’s-a break it down:
First off, my poor Luigi has a mustache. The CEO killer did not. Case closed. It’s not easy having a brother who gets all the princess-saving gigs while you’re stuck checking your warp pipes for Piranha Plants. “Luigi did it! Luigi’s guilty!” everyone shouts. Bah! The only crimes Luigi commits are the crimes of excessive cowardice and questionable overalls in public. If you want to accuse him of something, accuse him of taking too long to pick up a Fire Flower. He’s no caporegime, he’s just-a my fraidy-cat fratello!
And let me tell you something else: If Luigi were going to cause trouble, he wouldn’t pick a spot like Altoona. Have you ever tried to find a warp pipe in Altoona? It’s-a not exactly the Mushroom Kingdom, you know. He’d be scouring deserts for Pokeys or sliding down snowy slopes, not chowing down on a Happy Meal before getting pinched by the local Toad squad.
Look, my Luigi is used to trouble like phantom Boos sneaking up when his back is turned. He’s handled enough haunted mansions to fill a Thwomp’s diary. But messing with health care executives and scribbling a manifesto? Ay-ay-ay! That sounds more like something a discount Waluigi would do on a bad day, or maybe one of Bowser’s Koopaling cousins after a weekend bender on Koopa Kola.
The only time Luigi picks up a pen is to write postcards to the Princess from Yoshi’s Island or sign autographs for Toad fans who mistake him for me. A “manifesto”? Luigi can barely muster the nerve to order his own linguine at the Toad Town trattoria, let alone pen some grand conspiracy against corporate America. If he wants to make a statement, he’ll show up at the next Mario Kart race with a snazzy pair of sneakers, not a bullet bill and a letter addressed to Wall Street.
So let’s all calm down, sip an espresso, and remember: Not every Luigi is-a my Luigi. My bro’s too busy timing his jumps and holding onto a Red Shell for that perfect last-lap takedown to be tied up in this nonsense. He’s innocent, I tell ya! In the meantime, let’s-a all focus on clearing Luigi’s name and maybe helping him finally get his own blockbuster game. The poor guy’s been stuck carrying my toolbox for decades, and now he’s gotta deal with this? That’s no way to treat a heroic plumber, ghostbuster, and loyal little bro!
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a few Goombas to stomp and a princess to save. Ciao!
