Pull Yourself Up By Your Own Broken Bootstraps!

By Michael Kelman Portney

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Grand Republican Experiment, where the elderly trade retirement for a thrilling second act in the workforce, and the rest of us get to live out our dream of playing financial caretaker to our aging relatives. That’s right, Social Security is under attack, and if you thought Grandma was going to spend her twilight years knitting or gardening, think again! It’s time for her to clock in at the local Amazon warehouse. After all, someone’s got to keep those drones in the air.

But why, you might ask, would anyone want to implode Social Security, the safety net that has kept millions of Americans out of poverty since the Great Depression? Well, the answer is as old as the concept of trickle-down economics: money. More specifically, money for the corporations and billionaires who seem to believe the economy works best when it’s entirely gravity-fed—from your pockets to theirs.

Step Right Up: The Corporate Hunger Games!

Here’s how the GOP’s brilliant plan works:

1. Destroy the safety net: No Social Security? No problem! Seniors will have no choice but to work until they physically collapse. (Think of the cost savings on healthcare!)

2. Flood the labor market: Desperate people mean an endless supply of cheap labor. If you thought it was tough finding a decent-paying job before, just wait until 75-year-olds are competing with 25-year-olds for barista gigs.

3. Increase shareholder wealth: By stripping away pesky benefits like Social Security, more tax dollars can flow to corporate tax breaks and stock buybacks. After all, why invest in people when you can invest in another yacht?

And let’s not forget the cultural aspect of this shift. There’s nothing quite like watching multi-billionaires sermonize about the importance of personal responsibility while receiving government subsidies larger than the GDP of a small country. Bootstraps, baby!

The Moral High Ground (Or Lack Thereof)

Republicans often frame their crusade against Social Security as a battle for "freedom"—freedom from relying on the government, freedom from “handouts,” and, presumably, freedom from a functional retirement. The logic goes something like this: “If we stop helping people, they’ll magically discover the means to help themselves!”

Except, of course, for the fact that wages haven’t kept up with inflation in decades, housing costs are skyrocketing, and healthcare is a financial minefield. But don’t worry—if you’re struggling, it’s probably because you’re not working hard enough. Have you considered a third job? Maybe one in the exciting new field of senior gig work? (Uber Eats is hiring retirees to shuffle door-to-door meals in orthopedic sneakers.)

Why Stop There?

Honestly, if the GOP really wants to save money, why not cut all government programs? Let’s bring back debtor’s prisons while we’re at it! Imagine how much we could save if people had to barter for insulin with chickens and firewood. Picture an America where Medicare is replaced with a robust leeching program. What’s a little bloodletting compared to saving the deficit?

And speaking of innovation, why not rebrand poverty as a patriotic duty? Instead of Social Security, we could launch a "Freedom Fund" where citizens voluntarily donate their retirement savings to billionaires in the name of liberty. After all, isn’t that what this is really about—freedom for the wealthy to do whatever they want, and freedom for the rest of us to suffer in silence?

The Great American Nightmare

In all seriousness, dismantling Social Security isn’t just a policy choice; it’s a declaration of war on the working class and the elderly. It’s an admission that corporate profits matter more than human dignity and that the pursuit of wealth for the few justifies the suffering of the many.

But perhaps the most tragic part is that some people genuinely believe this is the path to a better America—a place where poverty is a moral failing, wealth is a divine right, and retirement is a pipe dream. It’s not a vision of freedom. It’s a vision of feudalism, where the rich get richer, the poor get poorer, and the rest of us are left to fight over the crumbs.

Closing Thoughts: Invest in a Bigger Bootstrap Factory!

So, as we watch the slow-motion implosion of Social Security, let’s raise a glass to the brave politicians who made it all possible. Because nothing says "Make America Great Again" like throwing Grandma out of her apartment and telling her to get a job.

If you’re not laughing, you’re crying. And if you’re crying, well…don’t expect Social Security to help with that. After all, tears are free.

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What do you think? Should I tweak the tone or add more humor in certain areas?