To the Honorable Jurors of the People vs. Luigi Mangione

By Michael Kelman Portney

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I come to you not as a lawyer, not as a judge, but as a humble admirer of truth, justice, and the occasional bowl of pasta. Today, I implore you to look past the noise, the headlines, and yes, even the Monopoly money found in Central Park, and see Luigi Mangione for what he truly is: a misunderstood man who simply loves health, ghost guns (in the metaphorical sense), and perhaps McDonald’s a little too much.

Let’s be real here. Luigi Mangione is no criminal mastermind. The man got caught in a McDonald’s. Not some underground bunker, not a remote cabin in the woods — a McDonald’s. If this were the plot of Ocean’s Eleven, he’d be the guy tripping the alarm before the opening credits. He’s not plotting some grand scheme to overthrow the insurance-industrial complex; he’s just a guy who, let’s face it, probably got a little too heated after reading one too many denied claims.

And speaking of the manifesto — do we really convict a man for bad handwriting and strong opinions about healthcare? I mean, who among us hasn’t wanted to write a strongly worded letter to UnitedHealthcare after they billed us $200 for a Band-Aid? That’s not a crime. That’s Tuesday. Is this man guilty for practicing utilitarian ethics as opposed to Nicomachian ethics?

Let’s also address the so-called "ghost gun." Sure, it’s alarming. But isn’t it also kind of impressive? Assembling a 3D-printed gun takes more patience than most of us have. I tried assembling IKEA furniture once and ended up with a bookshelf that looked like it survived a Goomba attack. If anything, Luigi’s ingenuity should be commended — not criminalized.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But he was spotted cycling away from the scene of the crime!” Exactly. Cycling. You expect me to believe that a criminal mastermind capable of gunning down a CEO and evading capture for days chose a bike as his getaway vehicle? If this were a movie, even the extras would laugh at that script. Luigi didn’t flee the scene; he was probably just trying to work off a particularly heavy plate of linguine al limone.

And let’s not forget the bullet casings with the words “depose,” “deny,” and “delay.” Sure, they sound ominous. But have you considered that maybe Luigi was just playing Scrabble and didn’t have enough room on the board? Why jump to the worst conclusion when the simplest explanation is right there?

Ladies and gentlemen, Luigi Mangione is not a menace to society. He’s a man who loves his pasta, his principles, and yes, maybe his ghost gun kit a little too much. But a criminal? No. He’s more likely to accidentally knock over a stack of plates at Olive Garden than orchestrate a premeditated attack.

So I ask you, dear jurors, to look Luigi in the eye and ask yourselves: Do you really want to be the people who convicted the man who dared to dream big but maybe executed small? A man who only wanted to bring justice to the healthcare system — even if his methods were, shall we say, unconventional?

Don’t convict this man. Instead, let him go, with a firm suggestion that he maybe channel his energy into something more productive. Perhaps pasta-making. I hear he’s got a great recipe for capers and lemon.

Yours in justice (and carbs),

Michael Kelman Portney

Advocate for second chances and really good spaghetti